I Froze my Balls Off Last Night!
Someone had the Brilliant Fucking Idea to invite Old Man Winter back into our lives last night and let me be the first to say that I’m not real fucking happy about it. I mean for Christ’s sake this is Florida man. I live her for a reason. I am a pussy and I hate the fucking cold. Don’t tell me it doesn’t get cold here either. Florida doesn’t pussyfoot around when it comes to getting cold. It gets downright brutal here. My nuts climbed so far up my ass last night, it may take and entire Search and Rescue squad to retrieve them.
Then, if the cold weren’t enough to irritate me last night this fat, black, girl at The Kennedy (my favorite spot) comes up to me, on the outside deck, grabs my coat and asks me, “really?, really?” “Yeah really it’s fucking cold.” It was 59 ° in fucking Florida. So then she starts with the “so where are you from conversation?” yeah, she’s into me, but she has no fucking shot, so why is she wasting her time and mine and setting herself up for a brutal retaliation by challenging my manhood in front of my peeps? Hasn’t she gotten the memo, that I am not one in which to fuck with?
Well here’s where everything could have taken a terrible turn for the worst and by all accounts probably should have. 1 Freudian slip and your life can be over. What can I say?, I’m the Dirty Little Cuban whether I like it or not. Kramer, take some fucking notes here pal, your mistake was your attitude jackass, had you kept your composure like a comic should, you would have not sank your career with your little outburst. I have won over many a black audience whether it be Djing, Singing or Comedy, by simply staying in the game, keeping my cool and performing like a fuckin’ pro.
So I say to her “I’m from Florida, where the fuck are you from? Africa?” Seeing her jaw hit the bar, I immediately move in, continue my assault, and drive a stake in her fucking soul before she can process what the fuck I just said and make a God Damn United Nations Summit out of it. Afterall, this is my favorite spot and I wanna keep it. Now truth be told, I meant to say Antartica, but I was a little buzzed and my inner racist takes over once I drink on top of the fact that I generally don’t give 2 shits about social graces in general, but if you attack me, you’re going down, 1st in front of everyone, then on me. If you don’t believe that about me, wait till you hear the Pickup Lines that have gotten me the hottest ass I’ve ever had in my forthcoming book “Motivational Debauchery”.
My next question, “What fucking difference does it make?, if I’m cold, I’m cold and I don’t need your fucking input, but if you must know, I’m originally from California, but it’s been so fucking long since I’ve lived there that my body’s forgotten. It’s been like, like, what the fuck am I telling you for, it’s none of your fucking business.
Side Note: This girl weighed at least 225lbs. As a comic, I refuse to take the most obvious road to a punch line whenever possible. It shows a lack of integrity to the sport. I could have given her at least a billion reasons why my skinny ass was cold and she wasn’t but that would take all the fun out of insulting her.
Side Note # 2: When you insult someone Cleverly and Instantly they don’t get as mad immediately as they’re gonna get tomorrow when they replay the movie in their head, then they’ll be really pissed. I win twice.
Side Note # 3: Whenever you have the opportunity to make someone think deep and hard about being an ass in the future, jump all over it and ram it down their throat. They may still do it again, but at least they’ll take pause 1st. The world will be a better place.
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS - Everybody Says This Stuff; I Just Say It Out Loud!
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